Swimming The Deep

Photography

2011-04-19T12:55:00.000-05:00

Check out Crave Photography for a great give away for photographers!

Please Pray

2009-09-22T10:02:00.002-05:00

------Update------
Brady's wife, Sara, went home to be with Jesus today. Please keep Brady and his newborn daughter Chloe in your prayers, as well as their families.
---------------------

Please pray for a friend of mine, Brady Sullivan and his wife, Sarah and daughter Chloe. Brady and I grew up in the same town together, went to school together, and were in Young Life together.

His wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and has been going through Chemo throughout her entire pregnancy. They had their baby girl, Chloe, and got to go home with her. Then his wife started having seizures. She is back in the hospital and they need a miracle.

Here is the Sullivan's Blog

Please pray...

HeartQuest

2009-09-10T13:38:00.005-05:00

In August, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a Christian Retreat called HeartQuest. It is put on by an organization called Fellowship of the Sword. It was a great time to get away from the every day stuff and spend some much needed time with God.

The biggest thing I took away from it was being reminded just how much God loves us. I tend to think that God is more concerned with our character than our comfort. While I generally believe this to be true, I tend to forget that He also wants to just love us, just because. I realized that I rarely let Him love me, choosing instead to not receive it.

Without spilling all the details of what goes in to Heart Quest so as to not spoil it for others, I will share about one particular day that was very meaningful to me. One of the days is a fast day where you go into the wilderness all day by yourself and spend some time with God. Now I know to some this may sound like an awful idea, but to this Mama of two very small toddlers, a day by myself in the wilderness sounded like Heaven!

The week before I went my husband and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. We had plans to spend the day together outdoors in God's creation and then rent kayaks exploring a local lake. Sounded like heaven to us, only the day came, it was 105 degrees and I was pregnant in my first trimester and dry heaving every 30 minutes. Suddenly, spending the day outdoors didn't sound like such a great idea after all. We ended up having a great time together and did spend a little time outside but it was not the day we originally intended with kayaks and woods to explore.

Back to fast day...I started out and prayed, asking God where He wanted me to go that day. I ended up walking down some old rocky steps that led me to the river! I got down to the bottom when lo and behold there sat a bright, red canoe just beckoning me to get in. So naturally, I did and spent a wonderful day with God exploring His wilderness by boat and by foot. He gave me some new found freedom in Him. The freedom to be different in Him, even if that meant not looking like everyone else around me. We had some reading that day to do during our fast time and a portion of it brought up one of my favorite quotes...

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

~Nelson Mandela

He gently reminded me of who I am in Him and who He has made me to be. It was a sweet time with our God and King. I am so very thankful to Him for providing this much needed time away for renewal in my relationship with Him!

Hope

2009-06-30T15:04:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why I always get writer's block when I try to write on here. Sometimes I have alot to share, sometimes life seems easy going.

Lately I have been struck by this verse...

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1Peter 3:15

I spoke at our woman's Bible Study this past week at church. I shared with them my testimony of what God has done in my life. Now I consider myself a fence rider when it comes to being shy or outgoing. And in nearly every psychology test I have taken I always come up dead in the center. I tend to be a little shy until I get to know people or depending on the situation.

Now I have never been one that has just wanted to jump at the opportunity to speak, and yet sometimes it feels like there is a force behind me pushing me to the front of the stage. The lights are blinding, my voice is cracking and I have some major sweat stains cause I sweat like a man on stage. And yet every time I have ever gotten on a stage to share my testimony with others there comes a peace over me that helps me get through it. The peace never comes before I am on stage, only after I make the choice to get up there and do it.

When I sit down and really think about it, why wouldn't I want to shout from the mountain tops what God has done in my life?! He has told me always to be ready to give an answer.

Why do you have the hope that you have?

So close...

2009-04-06T13:50:00.006-05:00

When I was in high school I was given a turtle charm and the "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades" award. My summer league relay missed the Houston record by .01 seconds....Seriously. The charm makes my laugh now but what a bummer!

That's kinda what I experienced (again) at the Zones Championship Meet a few weeks ago.

I came real close, but in the end missed my goal of qualifying for Nationals in the 50 free by .05 seconds. Bummer!

Here is a photo of me (red cap) with the other swimmers,
(who, with the .05 second lead will get to go to Nationals.)

On a lighter note, I did place 3rd in the 50 backstroke.
(And missed the qualifying time by 1 second.)

And it just kept getting better...
Here is me on the blocks getting ready to swim the 100IM,
(just before I got disqualified for false starting)

Without the DQ I would have placed 3rd.
(no laughing at my white legs..and arms...and body)

Sweet Gunnar watching his Mama swim.

So it wasn't exactly the meet I had hoped it would be but it is not the end of the world. God has a greater plan and I had fun at the meet regardless of the outcome. Thanks for all your encouragement!!!

Still smiling!

Last Chance

2009-03-12T13:29:00.005-05:00

Well I have one more chance to qualify for nationals.

My last meet went well and I dropped some in my times but am still about a 1/2 second away in the 50 free and about a second away in the 50 fly and 50 back. The meet was at SMU and was absolutely freezing. They had the windows open the day before...it was 80 degrees that day. Well they left them open and that night a cold front came through and while driving to the meet that morning my thermometer on my car read 40 degrees. So I get there Saturday morning and the windows are now shut but I don't think they put any heat on. I was freezing! I did warm-ups and tried to get dry and warm before my races. Seriously people, the spectators were in their winter coats WITH THEIR HOODS ON! Thankfully, a few weeks before, I got a parka to keep me warm....but I needed about 5 parkas that day.

The races went well, I was a bit intimidated as the competition was pretty fast....ok really fast...like former Olympian fast. I managed to place 2nd in the 50 backstroke but I am sure that's because the former Olympians did not enter that event!

So anyway, we are down to one last meet in 2 weeks...the zones championship meet. At this point I seriously believe that the only way I will make it is by the grace of God. That may sound pessimistic but let me explain...

This year started off great. In December I had my coach over for lunch one day and we talked about my goals of going to nationals and what that would require of me. Unfortunately, the biggest thing was "get in the water more." Our practices are MWF in the mornings and the others are during lunch. Well, with my kids I can't practice at lunch so that leaves me with 3 a week.

January starts off a little shaky with some serious allergies. I went and got a shot and they got better. Then I had my first meet mentioned in the previous post. It went well but I was not feeling 100%....well I came home and caught the stomach bug which I then followed with a cold. Good times!

Then came the beginning of February...a little cold, no problem still swimming. Then my dad has his hip surgery, so naturally I missed a couple practices while helping them, then he had a stroke and I was out the week helping around their house. Not a huge deal...I was definitely where I needed to be...with family.

Yesterday I go to practice and right after warm-ups thunder and lightning drive us out of the pool. I am now at the laughable stage. What else could possibly happen? But then do I really want to ask that?

Then this past week I get sick AGAIN...stomach bug round 2 followed by a slight cold. Missed 2 days of practice and today I found out I have an ear infection. Seriously? Am I 10 years old? What adult gets an ear infection? I believe the doctor's words were, "Yup, that's a rip-roarin' ear infection." Please don't tell me I can't swim tomorrow.

What else could happen?... two words...spring break. All the pools within a 30 mile radius seemed to be closed next week for spring break. Great for them, bad for me.

So I have made roughly 24 of the 36 available practices to me. And they say a day out of the water takes a week to recover from. neat.

I am beginning to have His peace that there is nothing I can possibly do to make it to Nationals but rely on Him. If I go, it is His will, if I don't make it, it is His will.

The other night I was reading my Bible and praying about all this. He lead me to read in John 3 about the man named Nicodemus who asked how he could be born again. Verse 21 really spoke to me,

"But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

My prayers is that whether I qualify or don't that it will be plain for all to see that what has been done, has been done through God.

May He be glorified!

Fully Alive

2009-01-29T13:51:00.002-06:00

St. Irenaeus once said, "The glory of God is man fully alive."

God has been teaching me alot the past two years about what this really means. Can I really worship Him in the things that give life to my heart like photography, art, swimming and being a wife and mom?

What does that look like?

I am finding out.

For a long time I have prayed for simple things like, "God help me to do well at this swim meet, help me to have a good photo shoot today, help me to worship you while I do the mundane like changing diapers, eating grilled cheese for the 5th time this week, and picking boogers that are not my own."

But I don't think my heart has ever been in these prayers.

I wanted it to be, but deep down inside I thought, "What in the world does God care if I swim well today? Why should he care about helping me?...meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless."

I know this all sounds very pessimistic. I'd like to think it originates from the challenges that life has brought me. It is very difficult to pray one day that your mother will not die from cancer and then to ask God that you will do well in a swim meet... Really? Did I just pray that? Who cares?

So you see, my heart has been hardened and frozen into this belief that while God does care about the big things in life, He certainly doesn't have time for piddly things like swimming or me whining that I have been cleaning up throw up for the past 10 days now. (*true story...and I am in fact doped up on Mucinex and Pepto at the time of this post so you may want to keep that in mind when you are trying to make sense of it all.)

Well I was trying to explain this war in my heart to Shane the other night. On the one hand, I want to ask God to bless me in swimming, on the other I don't really think He cares. Shane reminded me how our Father truly sees us. He asked me what I would say if our daughter came to me for encouragement for a swim meet that she had coming up. Would I simply tell her that I don't care and I have more important things to take care of? No way, I would encourage her and tell her that she can do it!

Humm...good point Shane. Maybe I don't get this love thing after all. I want so badly to grasp His love for me. I think it would help me to be fully alive in all that I do.

So all that said, God is teaching me alot about the depths of His love and how it is His love that brings life to my heart.

Speaking of...

This past weekend I had my first swim meet in 10 years.

I was nervous to say the least. I knew the drill...the smell of chlorine, warm ups, racing, cool down, ugly caps, goggles sucking my eyes out, freezing, the waiting, hundreds of speedos...there wasn't much that was new to me. But I was terrified of failure.

Still am.

I have not posted about the meet on here because of the accountability (read pressure) it would provide. What if I tell the world my goals and then don't meet them? What are my goals really? To make a certain time or to glorify God in swimming and do it to the best of my ability?

My goals for the physical side of swimming is to qualify for the nationals masters meet. It is within reason, and yet I am terrified of revealing my intent lest I come up short....but well its a little late for that now isn't it!

I have 3 meets that are close enough to compete in...3 chances to make my goal...scratch that...2 now.

My friend Betsy and I went down for the meet. We were both suffering from terrible colds (although she was a day worse into it than I was...but hers has not morphed into this on again, off again flu/stomach bug nastiness...see "true story" above)

We both did well....especially considering we were not 100%. I am now .5 seconds from the qualifying time in the 50 free....two more chances to go, one in February and one in March.

Getting ready for the 50 free....got my game face on

Betsy and I after my 50 fly event.
I'm pretty sure she is majorly doped up on meds in this photo and will therefore think I am the coolest friend ever for posting it.

I think the best part of the meet for me was seeing a 70 year old lady swim the 50 breaststroke WAY faster than I could ever dream of. 70 years old people and she could whoop my booty! She broke the NATIONAL record in her event and age group that day. My heart rejoiced for her...Awesome stuff. And all this time I thought He was going to give my heart more life from my own events...I didn't expect it would be from a lady who could be my grandmother.

...Finding His life in all the unexpected places...

Greater Things

2008-11-18T14:30:00.003-06:00

I don't know why but sometimes I feel like God is not working in me, kinda like he's left me. I know he hasn't, his word says he hasn't and yet sometimes I take a reflective look at my heart and I don't like what I see...too impatient, too ugly, too self-righteous, too prideful. Can't he do more with this heart? I see changes he has made but I want more. And then I go through a dry spell where I can't seem to hear him through the static of this world.

Well the other day I was driving in my car with the two kiddos and I felt like God said, "Ok Karen, this next song that comes on I want you to change the words to daughter instead." I thought, "hum.... don't know what song it is or what this will mean but ok, God...I'll play along."

Then I hear Chris Tomlin's new song, God of this City. I love this song. The original lyrics are about God being the God of this city and nation. I don't know why this song means to much to me. I remember the first time I heard it. Some good friends of ours came to visit who are missionaries in Brazil. They told us how they had just seen Chris Tomlin in concert in Brazil and how he sang this amazing song called "God of this City". So I looked it up on iTunes later and fell in love with it. I really can't explain why I love this song so much, maybe it is the comfort in remembering that God is still God of this world, no matter how crazy it gets, or maybe its my heart for missions too. All I know is when this song comes on in the car I have a tendency to belt it out. :)

So here I am in the car and this song comes on and I'm supposed to change the lyrics to daughter....so here goes...picture me in the car with both kids in the back, timidly singing at first...then louder and louder. By the end of the song, I'm belting it with tears streaming as God speaks to my heart right in that moment.

You're the God of this daughter
You're the King of this woman
You're the Lord of this family
You are

[Verse 2]
You're the Light in my darkness
You're the Hope to my hopeless
You're the Peace to my restless
You are

There is no one like my God
There is no one like my God

[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this daughter
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this daughter

There is no one like my God
There is no one like my God

[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this daughter
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

Tears and more tears as God sweetly reminds me that He is not through with me yet. I am humbled to know that the God of this universe cares enough to speak to me through a song and let me know how much he loves me and that he is not through with me yet.

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here!

P.S. So I just realized how many times I have posted lyrics here. Hum...sorry if that's a boring read...I just can't help myself sometimes. My heart is moved so often by lyrics and music.

A Grateful Heart

2008-11-06T13:02:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since my last post. I think my heart has been in an attitude funk. I am in a Bible study about worship right now and these last couple of weeks have been about bowing our attitude and life to Him.

Funny how the enemy always seems to come full force at whatever we are learning.

My heart is in such a struggle of who I am and who I want to be. I find myself getting frustrated with the kids, frustrated when situations don't work out like I had planned them to, and then frustrated with myself for acting in ways that don't portray who I want to be in Christ.

I am also learning about worshiping Him more in the every day tasks. Is changing diapers holy? Well serving God is and He said whatever I do for the least of these I do for Him. So it seems that serving my children is holy work.

I just need that to sink into my heart.

It is so easy for me to see others and the talents God has blessed them with and wonder what am I really doing that matters for His kingdom. Then comes the enemy's attacks of jealousy, and little self worth.

My heart wants to be content with serving my children at home every day, and I really love them and love staying at home and wouldn't take a job if it was offered to me, but then I also wonder what am I doing to benefit His kingdom?

Sometimes I feel like I was made for greatness and yet I'm not walking on that path.

Is it because it is not time yet? Or have I wandered from the path He chose for me?

Or maybe I'm just not recognizing the greatness that He has blessed me with.

Father,

Give me a grateful heart. Help me to recognize your blessings. Change my attitude and help me to see that I am serving you in everything and to serve you with a happy heart. Thank you for diapers that need to be changed, food that needs to be cooked and laundry that needs to be done for it shows that I am indeed overflowing with blessings from you. I have a family that needs caring for and am blessed with provisions from you. Thank you.

Help me to worship you with my heart in all things.

Through the power of Jesus,
Amen

Worship

2008-10-09T13:37:00.005-05:00

I want to share with you and image that I have in my heart.

I am in a Bible study right now about worship. We are learning more about how to worship Him in the day to day things and it is challenging us to spend more time in worship with Him each day. The book is called Satisfy My Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow.

A few weeks ago we were talking about the Biblical differences in worship between the Old and New Testaments. On the one hand you have a more formal feeling of the Old Testament full of sacrifices and humility, on the other you have a more relational feeling of the New Testament that God is our Father. So as I was worshiping Him one night I asked Him to share with me where my heart is

...this is what He spoke to my heart...

I am in a room full of hundreds of people.

It is THE throne room.

The King is seated on his throne and there are angels everywhere singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" The floor is marble and we are all prostrate on the ground, face to the floor in reverence to our King. I cannot physically get any lower than I already am.

I am a child, maybe 5 or 6. The room is full of people of all ages singing praises but we are all prostrate worshiping Him. I can feel the cool marble on my face as I worship and the warmth of my breath as it fogs the floor inches from my face. I can feel the breeze on my back from the angels wings that beat above me as they praise the King. The sound is deafening and yet peaceful.

We, hundreds of believers, lay down in worship as we sing with the angels. No one dares look up at the king.

I am lost in song to Him, and yet there is a part of my heart that wants to steal a glance at the face of the One I love.

My heart grows in love through the song more and more...beating faster and faster.

I surrender to my heart's desire and slowly lift my head to gaze at the King. To my utter surprise he is looking right at me and with a twinkle in His eye, and a grin on his face he motions with his finger for me to come.

Joy, unspeakable joy as I raise to my knees and begin to run.

Running faster and faster our eyes fixed on one another.

He stands up from his throne with arms open wide, laughing as I race to be with him. I leap the last few steps and jump straight into his arms. With arms and legs wrapped around him in a child's hug, my heart is at home.

This is worship!

I am a daughter of The King!

I am home!

May He bless you with an intimacy this week that speaks to your heart. May you have ears to hear him and eyes to see him.

May you walk with Him.

May you worship Him!

Update on Greg and Casey

2008-10-04T10:18:00.002-05:00

Sweet Bree

Shane and I want to thank each of you for your prayers for his cousin Casey. They seem to be doing really well! Please continue to pray for their healing physically and emotionally.

Below is the latest update from thier blog...

Well it has been a whirlwind of two days for Greg and Casey. Getting released from the hospital today was a huge success. They were transported back to the base at Ft. Jackson where the army has a beautiful 2 bedroom fully furnished apartment. I heard it looks beautiful. They also stocked the fridge and pantry with food. Greg and Casey are doing well. Greg is in a lot of pain mainly from his hands. They of course are very tired from the last two days. The move, the emotions, the healing still taking place.
Over the next few days they will have some time to settle in, visit the clinic and get set up with nurses there, get thier prescriptions, etc. Right now they need to rest and it will be good when they can spend some quality time with each other as well.
As far as the injuries goes their lungs continue to look good and heal, their burns are healing nice as well. Greg’s hands are the greatest concerns right now and they will take good care of them.
It has been difficult as they begin processing Bree’s death, and all that it entails and we need to pray for peace and comfort that only God can give right now.
Thanks once again for your continued prayers!

Prayers

2008-09-26T19:21:00.006-05:00

***Update***

The family has created a blog that gives updated information on Greg & Casey, you can find it here.

We talked to Shane's family today and it seems as if Greg and Casey are doing a bit better. They both had tracheotomies done and therefore are sedated so they won't pull the tubes out. They are worried if they pull them out they won't be able to get them back in. As of today, they are no longer on 100% oxygen and they are thinking they may begin to ween them off the sedatives no earlier than 3 days. Please pray for them and their healing and especially as they come off the sedatives and learn about Bree. We are not sure if they know about Bree or not.

Here is the link to a news article about it. Currently it is the only one we know of that has all parts true to the story.

Thank you for your prayers...

***

We got a call at 5:00am this morning from Shane's parents.

Phone calls at odd times always worry me.

They told us that Shane's cousin, Casey's, house burned down last night around 2:00am. She was in it with her husband, Greg, and their two year old daughter Bree.

Bree did not make it.

Casey and her husband are still in critical condition. Casey had severe burns on her face and her husband on his hands. The worst is their lungs inhaled too much smoke and therefore it is as if they are burned internally as well.

We are not sure if they will make it either.

Please lift them up in your prayers. I am numb as I write this, not sure how to put it into words and give it the emotional justice it deserves.

I am in a Bible study right now on worship. We are learning how to worship God with our lives and in our day to day actions. I wrestle with what worship is and how that falls in to play when you are constantly changing diapers and feeding small children. How can I worship you Lord?

Shane and I were watching a murder mystery movie the other night and about 20 minutes in to it I felt the Lord nudging me to get up and go to my room and worship Him rather than watch the movie. I felt like I was inviting fear into my heart by watching it. I have an imagination with a mind of it's own and if I give it something to go on it will go wild. So I told Shane I couldn't watch any more and had to go to bed. I went into our bedroom and read my worship book and talked to Him in my journal.

Now the first day of this Bible study our leader was saying how we can worship God in everything and she has even worshiped Him in her sleep. She asked him to bless her with that and He answered with a dream of her worshiping Him. Now I must confess when I first heard this I thought, "Lord I'm not sure I will ever get there. I can't hardly find time during the day to worship you so how will that ever transfer over to a time when I can't even consciously go there?" I craved to have that intimacy with Him but it felt so far from my reach.

Well back to the movie night... I went to my room, read a little, wrote in my journal and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning remembering a sweet dream of worship! How wonderful! I remember my hands being raised in worship and singing sweet praises to him. What a wonderful gift from Him! I felt Him say to my heart, "Karen you worshiped me last night when you heard my voice and obeyed. That is worship." Thank you Father for that sweet gift!

So this morning I woke up to the news of Casey. I had planned to take the kids to the zoo with some friends and decided to keep those plans. I think emotionally I have been holding alot in today. So I get home, the kids nap, we get some drive through dinner (Daddy is working late tonight) and the reality of the situation takes a hold of my heart. I sat at the dinner table with tears streaming as my two kids devoured french fries and stared with a look of bewilderment.

I felt Him calling me to worship him.

"Now God? Really? I don't exactly feel like doing that."

"I know you don't but I want you to anyway."

So I got up and put a praise cd on while we finished dinner. It was Chris Tomlin's new cd "Hello Love".

More tears.

We finish dinner and Bella goes into our living room and begins to dance.

My heart melted and so the three of us worshiped Him in the living room together for a while after dinner.

As Bella began to dance I listened to the words of the song....

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[ Chorus: ]
And I will rise when
He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[ Chorus: ]
And I will rise when
He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of
many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of
every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

[ Chorus: ]
And I will rise when
He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees And rise
I will rise

May you dance with him through the joy and through the sorrow.

Worship Him anyway.

I will update more about Casey and Greg as I find out. Thank you for your prayers.

Escape

2008-09-04T19:18:00.006-05:00

Here I sit in a comfy couch with my feet up drinking a white chocolate mocha frapp at our local coffee house listening to one of my favorite sounds....the simpleness of a voice and guitar...a voice that happens to be singing about Jesus! I was sweetly surprised to walk in here and find out there was live music tonight for the first time!

At first thought of writing this blog I was feeling guilty for escaping the day.

For the better part of the last two days I have cleaned up more vomit and feces than I care to mention. Both kids are sick with a stomach bug, and Shane came home early today feeling the sickies creeping in. I said to myself, "Yikes! I've got to get out of here!!!"

Just kidding....the kids have been taken care of and are now slumbering in there clean beds. Shane is eating chicken noodle soup and watching a guy movie and here I sit sipping my Java enjoying the music. I simply had to get out of the house. I am a mover at heart. I like change. Well...let me rephrase that....I like changes that I get to make. I get fidgety when stuck in the house for too many days in a row.

I was totally that kid who rearranged her room every other day just to keep things interesting. I don't change the furniture in our house that much....I just get Shane to change the walls! :)

So anyway, 3 days in the house and I was going crazy so my gracious husband said, "Go! Get out of here! Enjoy!" So here I am!

I was thinking about the guilt I felt on the way over here in light of my last post. Why do I feel so guilty when I do anything for myself? The kids are in bed and taken care of, Shane is doing OK and occupied. Why do I feel guilty for being here? I think its that struggle between being a mom and being myself. How do the two go together seamlessly?

After my last post my friend mentioned a book called "The Invisible Woman" by Nicole Johnson. I just ordered it...for under $5...thank you Amazon...and thank you Lisa for mentioning it!

As I was Googleing the book I found this video that made me decide to by the book...

* You will need to pause the music on the playlist at the bottom of my blog to hear the video*

My heart was struck particularly by the self-centerendness part..Ouch! and the boy saying to his friend, "You're gonna love it there." My heart smiled as I thought of Kay my foster mom.

Someday I will share on this blog the story of how that relationship came to be. I want to give that story justice and right now putting that into words feels about as insurmountable as climbing Everest. Maybe I should write a book about it instead of a blog.

Back to Nicole's book...when I read, "you're gonna love it there" I thought of Kay's house. It may not always be perfect but I love it there. She does make homemade pies and I'm pretty sure she presses her linens (I don't even own any!) but she somehow manages to do all that and make it an atmosphere that I can honestly say, "you're gonna love it there!"

That's what I want for my home. I want my kids to want to hang out there and bring their friends. I think the answer to this equation is the servanthood of being a mother and wife minus the self-centeredness. Ouch. Looks like I've got some purging to do of my own.

Turns out that must be what God is teaching me and He decided to start the learning off with a session in cleaning up vomit...neat!

So I'm still learning about how to balance the longings in my heart.
As I have sat here and written, I realize God has taken away the guilt and replaced it with a peace from Him.

And so He takes me a little deeper...

Fully Alive

2008-08-18T13:24:00.003-05:00

It has take me a while to figure out how to put this post into words.

Do you ever feel like God is doing something in your life and in your heart but you aren't really sure what it is? Its like He has His hands in my heart and is working in there, but I just can't pinpoint it. There is a longing in my heart for Him that I can't explain.

I just want to be with Him but it's not always comfortable.

Lately I have felt like there is some part of my heart that is asleep. A part of me that used to be full of life - is slumbering. I honestly don't know what 'part' of me that is, it just feels like there's a piece of me that is sleeping.

In some ways I feel like 'Karen' is asleep. 'Karen wife and mother' is awake but there is another part of my heart that is beginning to toss and turn in the morning hours...no longer fully asleep but not awake either. I hesitated to share that because I don't want it to sound like I am not thankful to be a wife and mother. I am so honored and thankful for these titles in my life and I'm not sure where I would be in life if I currently was not a wife and mother. I think that is where the dilemma lies.

Who am I apart from wife and mother? I used to draw, sing, play the guitar, swim competitively, and a host of other things. Now it seems there is not much time or money to pursue things that only involve myself. I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party. I really don't intend for it to, I merely want to express that there seems to be a part of me that has fallen asleep. A passionate side of me that came to life when doing something I loved.

Watching the Olympics lately has felt like an old friend nudging my shoulder as I sleep all snuggled in bed. As a child, I, like thousands of others, dreamed of going to the Olympics. Well, I'm sure that isn't going to happen - I have a family now and my name is NOT Dara Torres. :) I have to admit though, there is something deep inside of me that comes alive when watching swimming. I miss it terribly! I miss competing. I miss the feel of the water rushing past, the smell of chlorine, the silence before the start and seeing that beautiful black line underneath glassy water.

But more than this I miss the feeling of life that comes over me when I think of swimming.

I feel alive in the water.

It is this feeling of life that I am longing for.

I have been praying lately about this part of me that is asleep. Asking God what that is. Is it selfish to want something that defines me outside of my family?

What if He is trying to awaken a part of my soul that I am missing completely. What is it Lord? Is there a piece of my identity in you that you want to wake up? Oh Lord, help my soul to awaken in you. Fill me with your life. Awaken all of me so that I can be the woman you designed me to be.

Now there are parts of my that feel very much alive. I feel alive when I get sweet kisses from my daughter...when I hear giggles from my son...a warm embrace from my husband. Life sneaks in when I see a beautiful sunset, smell the rain outside, see my kids laugh together, spend time outside in His creation. There are many things that bring my soul to life.

There is just a part of me that seems to be sleeping and I don't know what it is or what God is doing with me yet. So as I lay in the groggy state, tossing and turning in the morning light, I pray that He will awaken this piece of my soul to life.

"The glory of God is man fully alive" - Saint Irenaeus

A Chosen and Precious Cornerstone

2008-08-08T20:44:00.006-05:00

Well some of you know that Shane is beginning a new job this week. I thought I would share with you a little bit about how God led us there.....

He started this past Monday. He found this job as a salesman for Capstone, a heating and air conditioning company as a sales and design guy which is exactly what he was doing a few years ago in Abilene. (He loved that job.) Well he found this one as he dropped off several resumes at different companies around. As he was talking to Capstone, he heard from the competitors who were offering him a slightly better package. He considered at least talking to them but after their meeting he felt like God wanted him at Capstone.

The Thursday before he was to begin work for Capstone he got a call from the competitors and was offered a MUCH better package. Let's just say it was SIGNIFICANTLY better financially but the catch was he did not have a good feeling about working for this company. He felt like God had put in place so many things for Capstone. So Thursday night we found ourselves in a quandary.

Company 'B' is offering a package that the world says "Take it! You could pay off the house faster, student loans faster, eventually buy that boat! Live the life!" But something in our hearts was saying, "But I have something else planned for you. Follow Me."

----------

July 31st journal entry:

Father,
I come before you interceding for Shane. He is supposed to start his new job on Monday, just 3 days away. The competitors offered him slightly more at first, and are now calling back and offering him significantly more money. Lord speak to Shane...speak to me. We need your wisdom and guidance. Lord you have taught us so much about money these past few years. Should we take the better paying job to get rid of our debt once and for all? We hate having debt and I know you hate it too. I also confess the idea of having more money causes my heart to think of all the things of this world I want but don't need.

Read Matthew

Matthew what? I'm hearing something like 14, 16, 4 or 6? I think it is chapter 6. I go to chapter 6 and find...

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

Matthew 6:19-24

OUCH! Are you saying to not go with company "B" just for the money?

"You cannot serve both God and Money."

Now Read 1 Peter 2:4-12 (emphasis mine)

"As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:

"See, I lay a stone in Zion,
a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
will never be put to shame."

Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
"The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone," and,
"A stone that causes men to stumble
and a rock that makes them fall."

They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

1 Peter 2: 4-12

I am so humbled to be in His presence and to have His guidance. I am left speechless in silent worship.

So we took the job with Capstone and Shane began Monday. I must confess for my heart it was not an easy choice. I could feel the pull of the world say, 'Who is going to blame you for taking the job that pays better! That's what jobs are for!" Well already Shane has been blessed by Capstone. Not with money but with bosses who love the Lord, and who want to let Him permeate the company.

We are thankful and blessed by His guidance.

Come Away With Me

2008-07-30T08:40:00.001-05:00

Excerpt from my journal last night around 11:30:

Father,
What a foul mood I have been in these last few days! Purge my heart of all my selfishness. Give me financial wisdom, motherly joy and patience and more love for Shane. He is so patient with me.

The deep waters are moving but I don't know where. What are you teaching me? Give me grace to hear you.

------
After this prayer, I started reading a book I got Shane for Father's Day called "Walking With God" by John Eldridge. We are huge Eldridge fans, and this is his latest. He began the book by talking about Hemingway's book entitled "Green Hills of Africa" that journals his experiences there. Eldridge writes,

"How much more valuable might this be if we could shear with one another the stores of our true encounters with God - not the mountain top ones, but the everyday encounters, as they are lived out over a year."

He also quotes Frederick Buechner from his book "Now and Then":

"There is something more than a little disconcerting about writing your autobiography. When people have occasionally asked me what I am working on, I have found it impossible to tell them without an inward blush. As if anybody cares or should care...

But I do it anyway. I do it because it seems to me that no matter who you are, and no matter how eloquent or otherwise, if you tell your own story with sufficient candor and concreteness, it will be an interesting story and in some sense a universal story...

If God speaks to us at all other than through such official channels as the Bible and the church, then I think that he speaks to us largely through what happens to us, so that i have done in this book.....is to listen back over what has happened to me - as I hope my readers may be moved to listen back over what has happened to them - for the sound, above all else of his voice....For his word to us is both recoverable and precious beyond telling."

So after reading this I felt like God was leading me to share what I wrote in my journal last night in hopes that it might glorify Him. If you are reading "Walking With God" you will note that many of my thoughts follow along the first section of his book....

---------

God what am I not learning from You because of my unbelief? What do I believe that is not part of You simply because I haven't experienced it yet?

That I speak constantly to you every moment of every day. I do not leave your side. I am always listening and always speaking. There is nothing too small for you to tell me about.

You do not believe in the gifts of prophecy, or rather the power of it, or healing or tongues because you have not experienced it on the level I intend for you to. Listen for me.

What are you after in my own life? What am I avoiding with business? I know I have a tendency to do anything and everything but be in your presence. Read a new book, play with the kids more, watch a movie to relax, work on the house...too many things stop me from spending more time with you.

Hebrews 12:10-13
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Ouch, so it is your discipline I am running from with business?

You are afraid of Joy. You embraced it once but have distanced yourself because the enemy has taught you to fear joy. You fear Joy because Joy is too powerful, too deep - but my child, my Joy is deeper than your sorrows.

You have a peace and contentedness but where is the Karen who laughed till she cried? Where is the lightheartedness, the laughter, the girl who danced with me?

Come away with me.

Your joy was from our constant conversations. Our inside jokes that no one knew but us. The times you would singe at the top of your lungs in the car to me as I sat next to you in the passenger seat.

Come away with me.

Come away with me and you will raise your children up with dancing and laughing.

Come away with me and you will love Shane even deeper than you ever imagined possible.

I am scared Lord. Scared of losing my kids, Shane, Kay, a piece of my heart. I'm scared the joy will come to a screeching halt again. What if it gets washed away in the river of sorrow? The river is smaller now than it has been but what if a storm comes and it overtakes its boundaries again.

My child, that river leads to an ocean - the oceans deepest parts are filled with joy. Few are brave enough to swim to the deep. They have no idea what cool waters they are missing.

And you my daughter have gills. You were born to swim both physically and spiritually.

Lord help me to come away with you. Help me to fully surrender to you.

I woke up this morning with Norah Jones' song "Come Away With Me" in my head:

Come Away With Me
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

He is Mighty to Save

2008-07-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

This song has been on my heart for a while now. The Lord has blessed me with a heart that loves music. Many times I can hear a song and it reveals what is going on in my heart more than words can convey.

We visited our old church in Abilene a few weeks ago and we sang it there, tears filled my eyes as I was humbled and reminded of what He has saved me from and what He is capable of. I don't know why this song speaks to me so much and why it nearly brings me to tears every time I hear it. I just read a friend's blog today and as she wrote about it, my heart began to sing.

It should be playing for you (courtesy of Playlist) as you read this post.

Mighty To Save
- Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17...

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

He has been mighty to save me.

He has saved me from a future that seemed hopeless when my parents died, by reminding me that I am adopted into His kingdom as well as an earthly family.

He has saved me by leading me to marry and incredible husband who loves the Lord and loves me.

He has saved me by blessing me with children who have restored Joy into my life again.

He saves me daily from the enemy's attacks.

He has saved me from a life of sorrow and replaced it with a life of peace and joy that can only come from Him.

He has saved me from despair and replaced it with Hope in Him.

He is saving me right now from worries and fears, as I am reliving an all too familiar scene of a loved one having cancer.

He has saved me from my sins, from myself, and from an eternity without Him.

As I look back at what He has saved me from, I am filled with Hope for what He can do.

Father,
Shine your light (through me) and let the whole world see
I'm singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus!

Remodeling My Heart

2008-07-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

Shane and I are remodeling a bathroom in our house. Today as I sit and think of colors, textures and all the things that will be replaced I am reminded of how God is constantly remodeling my heart. Most of the time I just want Him to paint or hang a new pretty picture, but in reality I need him to tear it down to the floor joists and start building it from the ground up. Oh, that I can have the courage to give Him permission to completely rebuild and restore instead of a new paint job here, or a picture there.

I have a love/hate relationship with remodeling. I love to do it and see the finished product but the problem is I am a finisher. I have just enough OCD in me that I want things in my house to be...well...perfect. I am learning this is next to impossible when you have a husband and two small children. He is teaching me to let that go. We have a LIFE group from church at our house every Sunday night and it kinda makes me crazy to have all these people over in and out when our house is in the middle of remodeling.

I think this is why I struggle sharing the deeper side of my heart. I don't want people to see the unfinished product. God is teaching me, turns out, that I won't be finished this side of Heaven and there are things that will glorify Him along the way if I am willing to share them with others. I have learned that most people don't care if your house is clean or has everything in it's place. They don't want to eat dinner with Martha, they want fellowship with Mary. He is giving me grace to not worry about my heart and the walls that need to come down, or the rooms that need more beauty. He just wants me to let Himself, and others, in so that He may be glorified.

Father,
I pray that you would remodel my heart. Tear down the old and replace it with the new. Give me the courage to let you overhaul my heart instead of giving it a quick changing of the externals. Give me the grace to be content with where you have me today and the wisdom to know how to glorify you at this moment.